Finally Begin - Katniss's Notebook
by panem
Summary: Excerpts from Katniss's notebook and her POV. There are some spoilers for future chapters of Finally Begin, but everything will be expanded on in the main story.


February 10

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am eighteen years old. I have been at PanEm Mental_  
_Health Facility for a little over a month. I am here because my daughter Prim died almost_  
_four months ago. I have to remind myself that it was not my fault. Gale will be here to see_  
_me today. My mother is nowhere to be found. I have to try and not blame her. It's hard not_  
_to._

Dr. Aurelius just suggested that I keep my thoughts in this notebook yesterday, but I have  
already written variations of this paragraph at least 20 times. I have to admit that it is slightly  
cathartic, but I still don't believe half of what I am writing. Obviously, I acknowledge that I've  
been committed by the social worker who thought I needed help. It would be so much  
easier for everyone if Gale had never found me and rushed me to the hospital the night I  
found my mother's sleeping pills. But he did, and here I am trying to deal with whatever life I  
have left. Some days I hate him for it. Today is one of those days.

February 11

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am eighteen years old. I have been at PanEm Mental_  
_Health Facility for 36 days. Prim is gone._

_I miss her._

_I miss her._

_I miss her._

_I have to remind myself it is not my fault. It wasn't my fault. IT WASN'T MY FAULT. IT_  
_WASN'T MY FAULT._

_IT WAS MY FAULT._

Rue. She's so young; she should never have had to witness her brother get shot. He's all  
she has, which is a feeling I know all too well. I have to try and be strong for her.

There was a new boy in the group therapy meeting this morning. He almost saw my  
notebook today, which reminds me that I have to learn to be more careful with it. For some  
reason though, I felt like even if he did see it, it'd be okay. There is something about him I  
can't quite put my finger on. He kept staring at me during the meeting and I found myself  
staring at him during outside rec time. I would be lying if I said I didn't think he was  
attractive, but this is neither the time nor the place for such things. I'm too broken and do  
not deserve to even humor thoughts like that. And why would he want anything to do with  
me after the spectacle I made out of myself today? I practically jumped into his lap and  
proceeded to cry on his shoulder like a little girl. It was a moment of weakness I cannot  
allow to happen again. On top of that, there was a cute blonde girl that visited him today; I

obviously can't compete with that.

He is a stranger. I need to make sure he stays that way.

But, I could have sworn he was looking at me while he was with her.

February 12

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. I've been at PanEm for a month and a half. The routine is_  
_becoming monotonous, but it's the only thing I can count on. Gale is leaving for bootcamp_  
_in three weeks. He's leaving, just like Dad, just like Prim, just like Mom. Fuck him._

I need to stay away from Peeta; it's in everyone's best interest that I steer clear of him. I  
should have never spoken with him today, but I can't stop thinking about him. His blue eyes  
are too much like Prim's. It's too painful to look at them but they hold me captive when he  
speaks to me. I cannot continue to allow him near me.

But I think I want him near me.

He showed me his drawings today. They were beautiful. He made me feel beautiful. He  
drew me like I _was_ beautiful.

I can't feel that way. I don't deserve it.

He doesn't have a girlfriend.

March 1

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. I've been at PanEm for 64 days. The nightmares are getting_  
_worse. I have to remember that they are just nightmares. They can't take Prim away from_  
_me again. She is already gone._

They moved Johanna from my room tonight only because my night terrors were keeping  
her awake. She slapped me awake this morning and although it hurt, I was thankful for the  
fact it woke me out of the terrible dream I was having. It's better I'm alone in here; I don't  
need to be a burden on anyone else. How many more people will I hurt?

March 6

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. I've been at PanEm for 69 days. I only have 21 more days_  
_here. I don't know what I am going to do when I am released. I need more time. I can't go_  
_home. I don't have a home. Please don't make me leave._

Today was the first warm day that we've had in awhile and the air smelled earthy and fresh.  
I'm ready for winter to be over;the grey skies are too depressing. I have enough to be sad  
about without the weather getting in the way.

The warm air coaxed a few dendelions to bloom. They looked so hopeful; like it didn't  
matter that they were weeds. The yellow blooms reminded me that things might be good  
again one day. They reminded me of Peeta. He has the ability to make me feel like things  
can be good again one day. He's the only person who has tried to make me smile in  
months. He can actually make me laugh. He's funny. He's making it incredibly hard to stay  
away from him. I want to be around him.

I've only allowed myself to truly love three people: my father, Gale, and Prim. Two are dead  
and one is leaving. I can't let myself love Peeta. He's only going to leave me, too.

Please don't leave me.

March 10

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. It is day 73 at PanEm. I said goodbye to Gale yesterday; he_  
_leaves for boot camp today. I said goodbye to Rue yesterday, too; her brother is over the_  
_infection in his lung that the bullet caused and his leg has healed enough to be released._  
_She leaves today. Gale and Rue are gone. I am alone._

My dreams were the worst they have been since my father's death. I watched everyone  
abandon me again. I saw the coal train derail and take my father with it in a fiery blaze. I  
saw my beautiful daughter wilt away in my arms. I saw my mother walk out of the door while  
I held the pills that caused me to end up here. I saw Gale and Rue leaving the hospital,  
leaving me to deal with this on my own.

I also saw Peeta. He was angry at me but I didn't understand why. Out of all of the things I  
dreamt, I don't know why this upset me so much.

I'm not leaving my bed today. I can't sleep. I don't want food. Quiet, peace, death would be  
easier but there is something holding me back. I'm afraid it's Peeta. I can't see him today.

March 11

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. It is day 74 at PanEm. I woke up in Peeta Mellark's arms._  
_I've never felt so safe. He didn't leave._

He didn't leave.

Why?

March 18

_I am Katniss Everdeen. I've been here for 81 days. I only have 9 days left at PanEm. I can't_  
_leave here. I can't leave him. Please don't make me leave._

I told Peeta about Prim last night and he…he didn't leave. He stayed with me through the  
night. He held me closer when he knew I was in pain.

I care about him so much it terrifies me.

March 19

_I am Katniss Everdeen and I have been at PanEm for 82 days. Somehow I believe that_  
_Peeta truly cares about me._

Peeta couldn't sleep with me last night. Each night spent without him becomes more and  
more unbearable, but knowing that he will be there when I wake up actually gives me  
something to look forward to. There's a little bit of hope.

He painted a mural for me and it has to be one of the most beautiful things I have ever  
seen. It makes me miss the real thing so much, but I would trade every memory of the  
forest for the boy that keeps trying to bring me back. For the man that gives me hope.

I kissed him today. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. I have kissed a boy before, but  
those kisses meant nothing. There was a fire that burned inside of me when I pressed my  
lips against Peeta's. I felt alive. I'm waking up.

March 21

_I only have 6 days left at PanEm and I think I love Peeta Mellark._

I am too terrified to tell him. I don't know if the words can ever leave my mouth. The  
admission may break the spell. It may make him leave. He can't leave; I need him too  
much.

I am terrified to leave. Please don't leave me.

March 22

I don't have to leave until I am ready. Peeta is able to stay with me every night. I feel safe.

I am not sure why the hospital has decided that Peeta and I can be together or why I can  
stay, but I am extremely relieved.

March 23

_Peeta Mellark told me that he loved me today._

I wish I could have said it back to him.

March 27

_Peeta has been retreating into himself this past week. I need him back. I miss him._

He is slipping away. I feel myself slipping away.

March 30

_Peeta and I made love for the first time last night. He seemed like himself again for just a_  
_few moments. I told him I loved him. It rushed out before I could take it back. I'm not sorry._

He can barely look me in the eye this afternoon. Why? I'm terrified that he will leave me.  
Everyone else has.

April 4

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. I have been at PanEm Mental Health Facility for 98 days._  
_Peeta tried to attack me last night. It wasn't his fault. I know that it wasn't his fault._

He is in the quiet room tonight; it's the first night we have spent away from each other in  
weeks. I don't know what they are doing to him but I do know that he has changed since his  
new treatment. I know that what happened last night was not his fault. I'm terrified that they  
are taking him away from me. Why?

I will do everything I can to make sure that he comes back to me. I will find out what they  
have done to him. I promise myself that I will save him. He's all I have left.

**A/N: I would like to thank my beta books-are-better and sunfish dunes for all of their help with**

** this one shot. They are both such talented writers; please be sure to check out their stories, if you**

**haven't already.**

**Come find me on tumblr! I'm loveforpanem, I'd love to hear from you. **


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